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Attachment style quiz: 16 questions about how you love

A free attachment style quiz for adults in relationships: 16 questions, scored on anxiety and avoidance, with what your result may mean and what helps.

Written by the Venna team Updated · 9 min read
  1. Take it Each of you answers on your own, or together where the quiz says so.
  2. Read your result What it means, what helps, and a question to ask.
  3. Talk about it Pick one small thing each to try this week.
On this page

This attachment style quiz asks about two things: how much you worry about whether your partner loves you, and how uncomfortable you are with closeness. It takes about five minutes. You’ll answer 16 statements about your relationship, and at the end you’ll see which of four attachment styles your answers sit closest to: secure, anxious, avoidant, or fearful-avoidant.

It’s free. Like any online attachment style test, it’s a starting point for a conversation, and it isn’t a diagnosis. It can give the two of you words for patterns you may have already noticed, like who texts twice and who goes quiet.

What attachment styles are

Attachment theory started with how babies bond with their parents. In 1987, psychologists Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver suggested that adult romantic love works much the same way. They took the three infant styles researchers had described (secure, anxious-ambivalent, and avoidant) and asked adults which one sounded most like them in love.

In 1991, Kim Bartholomew and Leonard Horowitz proposed four styles instead of three. They split avoidance in two: people who keep their distance because they value independence (dismissing) and people who want closeness but fear being rejected (fearful). The other two are secure and preoccupied, which most quizzes, including this one, call anxious.

Later research by Kelly Brennan, Catherine Clark, and Phillip Shaver, published in 1998, found that most self-report measures of adult attachment boil down to two dimensions:

  • Anxiety: how much you worry about whether your partner loves you and will be there for you.
  • Avoidance: how uncomfortable you are depending on your partner and letting them get close.

The four styles are just the four corners you get when you cross those two lines. Most researchers today measure attachment as a matter of degree on each dimension, not as a box you fit in. So read your result as where you lean right now.

How the attachment style quiz works

Rate each statement by how you usually feel in your current relationship. If you’re single, think of your most recent relationship. Go with your first answer. Your answers also depend on how your partner treats you, so your result says something about this relationship, not only about you.

Each statement uses the same five answers:

  • Strongly disagree (1)
  • Disagree (2)
  • Neither agree nor disagree (3)
  • Agree (4)
  • Strongly agree (5)

Odd-numbered statements (1, 3, 5 … 15) measure anxiety, and even-numbered ones (2, 4, 6 … 16) measure avoidance. Statements 3, 4, 9, 10, 13, and 14 are reversed: agreeing with them means less anxiety or less avoidance. If you take the quiz on this page, it does the math for you.

The questions

  1. When my partner doesn’t text back for a few hours, I start wondering what’s wrong.
  2. When my partner wants to talk about our feelings, my first instinct is to change the subject.
  3. After an argument, I trust that we’re still okay, even before we’ve made up.
  4. When I’ve had a bad day, my partner is the first person I want to tell.
  5. If my partner seems a little distant at dinner, I assume it has something to do with me.
  6. When something’s bothering me, I’d rather sort it out on my own than bring my partner into it.
  7. I replay conversations with my partner afterward, looking for signs that something’s off.
  8. When we’ve been really close, I start to feel crowded.
  9. I can spend a few days apart from my partner without wondering where we stand.
  10. I can ask my partner for what I need without feeling weak.
  11. When I’m hurt, I sometimes go quiet and hope my partner notices and reaches out.
  12. When my partner gets emotional, I get uncomfortable.
  13. When my partner is in a bad mood, I figure it’s probably not about me.
  14. I like it when my partner leans on me.
  15. When things are good between us, part of me is waiting for them to go wrong.
  16. In a relationship, I protect my independence more than I look for closeness.

How to score it

For each reversed statement, flip your answer: 1 becomes 5, 2 becomes 4, 3 stays 3, 4 becomes 2, and 5 becomes 1. Then add up your eight anxiety answers and divide by 8, and do the same for your eight avoidance answers. You get two scores between 1 and 5. A score above 3 counts as high; 3 or below counts as low. That cutoff is ours, not from a published test: 3 is simply the middle of the scale. Low anxiety and low avoidance points to secure. High anxiety and low avoidance points to anxious. Low anxiety and high avoidance points to avoidant. High on both points to fearful-avoidant. If either score falls between 2.75 and 3.25, you’re close to the line, so read the neighboring result too.

Secure: low anxiety, low avoidance

What it may look like. You mostly trust that your partner cares about you, and you’re comfortable leaning on them and letting them lean on you. A late reply doesn’t send you spiraling. When you fight, you can usually say what you need and come back to each other afterward. You still worry or pull away sometimes, but those moments pass without taking over.

What helps. Keep doing what works: say what you need out loud, and make up after fights instead of waiting for them to blow over. If your partner scored differently, your steadiness can help, but it isn’t your job to fix how they feel. Ask what reassurance or space looks like to them, and take their answer seriously even if you wouldn’t need the same.

A question to ask your partner: “When do you feel most sure of us, and when do you feel least sure?”

Anxious: high anxiety, low avoidance

What it may look like. You want to be close, and you pick up on small changes. A short reply, a change in tone, or a quiet evening can feel like a sign that something’s wrong. You may text again, ask whether everything’s okay, or need to talk a fight through right away. Researchers call this style preoccupied: a strong wish for closeness alongside a strong fear of being rejected.

What helps. Try to notice the moment the worry starts and name it, to yourself or to your partner, before acting on it. “I’m feeling anxious because you went quiet” lands better than a test or a fight. Ask for reassurance directly instead of looking for clues. It also helps to have things in your life that are yours, like friends, work, and routines, so your whole sense of being okay doesn’t rest on the relationship.

A question to ask your partner: “When I get worried about us, what helps you reassure me, and what makes you want to back away?”

Avoidant: low anxiety, high avoidance

What it may look like. You value your independence and prefer to handle things alone. Closeness can feel nice up to a point, then a bit much. You may change the subject when feelings come up, need time alone after a lot of togetherness, or feel uncomfortable when your partner needs you. Bartholomew and Horowitz called this style dismissing: confident in yourself, less sure that leaning on others is worth it.

What helps. Taking space without a word can feel like rejection to your partner, so say what you need and when you’ll be back: “I need an hour to myself, then I want to hear about it.” Try sharing one small thing a day that you’d normally keep to yourself. If your partner is upset, you don’t have to solve it. Staying in the room and listening is often enough.

A question to ask your partner: “When I need space, what would help you feel that I’m still with you?”

Fearful-avoidant: high anxiety, high avoidance

What it may look like. You want closeness and you’re afraid of it. You may move toward your partner, then pull away when things get close, or worry about being left while also keeping part of yourself hidden. Bartholomew and Horowitz described people in this group as avoiding closeness because they fear rejection. It can feel confusing, for you and for the person you’re with.

What helps. Go slowly. Notice which situations make you want to reach out and which make you want to run, and tell your partner about both when you’re calm. Small, predictable routines, like a regular check-in or a weekly walk, can make closeness feel safer than big talks. If this pattern comes with a lot of pain, or with experiences from your past that still feel raw, this is where a licensed therapist can really help.

A question to ask your partner: “When I go back and forth between pulling you close and pushing you away, what does that feel like from your side?”

Can your attachment style change?

Yes, it can. Your style isn’t fixed, and a quiz result isn’t a diagnosis. A 2019 study followed 628 people from three samples, with attachment measured at different points between ages 13 and 72. On average, attachment anxiety went down with age, especially in middle age and later, and avoidance went down steadily across the whole span. People who were in a relationship tended to score lower on both.

Take it together

Take the quiz separately, then compare. Then look past the labels and find the statement where your answers were furthest apart, and talk about that one. If one of you leans anxious and the other leans avoidant, you may recognize a loop: one pushes for closeness, the other pulls back, and each move makes the other person do more of the same. Seeing it on paper can make it easier to talk about without blame.

Talk it through with another couple

On Venna, you and your partner meet another couple for a guided, one-hour voice conversation. You’re matched with a couple that’s going through something similar or has been through it. Couples appear under a number, never their real names, and the session only happens if all four of you agree. The app asks the questions and makes sure each of you gets a turn. Couples share what they’ve been through instead of giving advice. Nothing is recorded unless all four of you choose a recorded session with an experienced couple, and no AI listens.

Venna isn’t therapy, and this quiz isn’t a diagnosis. A licensed therapist is the right person for deeper work, especially if your result brings up something heavy or old hurts that keep showing up in your relationship. If you’re dealing with abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1⁠-⁠800⁠-⁠799⁠-⁠7233 or text START to 88788. If you’re in crisis or thinking about suicide, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911.

Sources

Frequently asked questions

What are the four attachment styles?

Secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. They come from crossing two dimensions: anxiety, or how much you worry about whether your partner loves you, and avoidance, or how uncomfortable you are depending on your partner. Low on both points to secure, and high on both points to fearful-avoidant. Most researchers today measure attachment as a matter of degree, so read your result as where you lean right now.

How do I score the attachment style quiz?

First flip your answers on the reversed statements, so 1 becomes 5, 2 becomes 4, and so on. Then average your eight anxiety answers and your eight avoidance answers. A score above 3 counts as high. If either score falls between 2.75 and 3.25, you’re close to the line, so read the neighboring result too.

Can your attachment style change?

Yes. A 2019 study followed 628 people with attachment measured at different points between ages 13 and 72. On average, attachment anxiety went down with age, especially in middle age and later, and avoidance went down steadily. People who were in a relationship tended to score lower on both.

What does an anxious attachment style look like?

You want to be close, and you pick up on small changes like a short reply or a quiet evening. You may text again, ask whether everything’s okay, or need to talk a fight through right away. It helps to name the worry before acting on it and to ask for reassurance directly instead of looking for clues.

What should we do if one of us is anxious and the other is avoidant?

You may recognize a loop: one pushes for closeness, the other pulls back, and each move makes the other person do more of the same. Take the quiz separately, compare, and talk about the statement where your answers were furthest apart. Seeing the pattern on paper can make it easier to talk about without blame.

Is an online attachment style test a diagnosis?

No. Your answers also depend on how your partner treats you, so your result says something about this relationship, not only about you. If your result brings up something heavy or old hurts that keep showing up, a licensed therapist is the right person for deeper work.

Going through this?

On Venna, you talk it through by voice with a couple going through something similar, or who has been through it. One hour, no real names, and the app asks the questions.

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