60 questions to ask your partner, from fun to deep

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You probably know your partner’s coffee order and how they load the dishwasher. These questions to ask your partner are for the rest: what they worry about, what they miss, what they wish the two of you would try next.

The questions start easy and get more personal as you go. Work through them over a few evenings, or jump to the section that fits your mood.

How to use them

Take turns. You both answer the same question. Swap who goes first.
Start light. Save the heavier questions for when you’re both warmed up. Stop wherever you like.
Listen before you fix. Ask “what was that like?” before you jump in with advice.
Pass anytime. Either of you can skip a question, no reason needed.

Fun questions to ask your partner

What made you laugh this week?
What’s a small thing I do that makes your day better?
If we had a free Saturday and no money worries, how would you spend it?
What’s a habit of mine you secretly like?
Which song takes you straight back to when we met?
What’s the worst gift anyone’s ever given you?
If we opened a business together, what would it be, and who’d be the boss?
What’s a food you pretend to like for my sake?
Which of our friends would survive longest on a desert island?
What’s something you’ve wanted to try together but never said?
What’s your favorite thing we’ve done on a random Tuesday?
What’s something new you’d like us to learn together?

Questions to get to know your partner better

What did you learn about relationships from the people who raised you, good or bad?
What were you like at 15?
Who did you look up to growing up, and do you still?
What’s a belief you had five years ago that you’ve dropped?
When do you feel most like yourself?
What does a good weekend look like for you, with no one else to please?
What’s something you’re proud of that you rarely mention?
Which moment from our first year do you think about most?
When you’re stressed, do you want me around or do you want some space?
What’s a compliment you still remember?
What’s a family tradition you’d want us to keep?
What would surprise people who think they know you?

Deep questions to ask your partner

These go further. Pick one or two for an evening and give each answer some room.

When was the last time you felt like I really got you?
What do you worry about that you don’t usually say out loud?
Is there a topic we keep coming back to that you’d like us to figure out together?
What makes it easier for you to open up to me?
What’s been taking up a lot of your energy lately?
What helps us stay close when life gets busy?
Is there a moment from our past, good or hard, that you’d like to talk about again?
What’s a question you wish I’d ask you more often?
What’s something about you that you wish I understood better?
Is there something you used to love doing that you’d like to make time for again?
What’s something we used to do that we should bring back?
When do you think we’ve been at our best together?

Romantic and intimate questions

When did you first know you loved me?
When do you feel most wanted by me?
What’s something I say that always makes you smile?
On a normal day, how do you like me to show you I love you?
What would you like more of when we’re physically close?
What’s a romantic gesture you still think about?
Where would you like us to go, just the two of us?
What do I do that makes you feel safe?
What’s something you love about how I look that you’ve never told me?
What’s a tiny habit of ours you’d miss if it stopped?
What’s a perfect night for us that we could actually pull off this month?
What’s one thing you’d like me to keep doing forever?

Serious questions about your future

These matter most before you move in together, get engaged, or have kids, but they’re worth asking again every few years.

What do you hope we’ll be like in ten years?
How do you picture splitting chores and the mental load at home?
How do you feel about having kids, or more kids?
Where would you like to live, and could you see us moving?
How much should we tell our families about our problems?
What does a fair fight look like to you?
How do you feel about money: saving, spending, debt, sharing accounts?
What would you do if one of us got a dream job in another city?
If someone in our families needed care someday, how would we handle it?
What counts as cheating to you, and what doesn’t?
What’s one thing you’d never want us to compromise on?
What’s something you’d like us to start planning for now?

Why these questions work

In a 1997 study, psychologist Arthur Aron and his colleagues had pairs of strangers take turns answering 36 questions that got more personal as they went. Those pairs felt closer afterward than pairs who made small talk for the same 45 minutes. This list borrows that structure, though the questions here are our own.

People also tend to avoid deep conversations because they expect them to be awkward. In experiments by Michael Kardas, Amit Kumar, and Nicholas Epley, published in 2022, strangers who talked about meaningful topics found it less awkward and more enjoyable than they had predicted. They had also underestimated how interested the other person would be. Most of those conversations were between strangers. With close friends, family, and partners, people guessed more accurately, so the surprise may be smaller at home. It’s still easy to test: pick one deep question tonight and see how it goes.

If a question hits a nerve

Sometimes an easy-sounding question turns out not to be easy. If your partner goes quiet or gets defensive, slow down. Name it gently (“Seems like that one’s tough. We can skip it”) and let them decide whether to keep going. It’s fine to park it and come back another night.

Five questions to ask another couple

Couples who’ve been through a hard stretch can often tell you what actually helped. If you’re close with another couple, these work well on a quiet double date.

What was the hardest year for you two, and how did you get through it?
What do you argue about now that you didn’t at the start?
What’s something you wish you’d talked about sooner?
What’s something you’ve learned to let go of with each other?
What’s one thing you tried that actually helped?

Don’t have a couple to ask?

Some of these questions land differently when you hear how another couple answered them. That’s what Venna is for: the two of you spend an hour on a voice call with a couple going through something similar. The app asks the questions and gives each of you a turn, so nobody has to run the conversation. Nobody uses real names, and the session only happens if all four of you agree. Couples share what they’ve been through instead of giving advice. Nothing is recorded unless all four of you choose a recorded session with an experienced couple, and no AI listens.

Venna isn’t therapy. If you’re dealing with abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1⁠-⁠800⁠-⁠799⁠-⁠7233 or text START to 88788. If you’re in crisis or thinking about suicide, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911. For ongoing mental health struggles, talk to a licensed therapist.

Sources

National Domestic Violence Hotline, thehotline.org (checked October 18, 2026).
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 988lifeline.org (checked October 18, 2026).
Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363–377.
Kardas, M., Kumar, A., & Epley, N. (2022). Overly shallow?: Miscalibrated expectations create a barrier to deeper conversation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 122(3), 367–398.

Frequently asked questions

What are some deep questions to ask your partner?

Try “When was the last time you felt like I really got you?”, “What’s something about you that you wish I understood better?”, or “When do you think we’ve been at our best together?” Pick one or two for an evening and give each answer some room. Save them for when you’re both warmed up.

What are fun questions to ask your partner?

Light ones work best at the start: “What’s a habit of mine you secretly like?”, “Which song takes you straight back to when we met?”, or “What’s a food you pretend to like for my sake?” You might also ask what business you’d open together, and who’d be the boss.

What serious questions should you ask before moving in or getting married?

Talk about how you’d split chores and the mental load, how you feel about kids, money, and where you’d like to live. Ask what a fair fight looks like to each of you and what counts as cheating. They’re worth coming back to every few years.

Do deep conversations really bring couples closer?

In a 1997 study, Arthur Aron and colleagues had pairs of strangers answer 36 questions that got more personal as they went, and those pairs felt closer afterward than pairs who made small talk. In 2022 experiments by Kardas, Kumar, and Epley, strangers found deep conversations less awkward and more enjoyable than they predicted. With partners, people guessed more accurately, so the surprise may be smaller at home.

What if a question upsets my partner?

Slow down if your partner goes quiet or gets defensive. Name it gently, for example “Seems like that one’s tough. We can skip it,” and let them decide whether to keep going. It’s fine to park a question and come back another night.

What questions can we ask another couple?

Couples who’ve been through a hard stretch can tell you what actually helped. Ask “What was the hardest year for you two, and how did you get through it?” or “What’s something you wish you’d talked about sooner?” You can also ask what they argue about now that they didn’t at the start, and what they tried that actually helped.

Going through this?

On Venna, you talk it through by voice with a couple going through something similar, or who has been through it. One hour, no real names, and the app asks the questions.

How a session works

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