The 36 questions to fall in love: the full list and how to use it

The 36 questions to fall in love come from a 1997 study by psychologist Arthur Aron and his colleagues. Pairs of strangers took turns answering them, and the questions got more personal as they went. They became famous in 2015, when Mandy Len Catron wrote in The New York Times’ Modern Love column that she’d tried them with a man she barely knew. The two of them fell in love.

Below is how the study worked, then the full list, word for word from the study’s appendix, then how to use it if you’re already a couple.

How the 36 questions to fall in love work

In the study, the questions were printed on slips of paper, split into three sets. Here’s what the pairs were told to do:

• Take turns reading. One person reads a slip out loud and answers first. Then the other person answers the same question. Switch who reads with each new slip.
• Spend about 15 minutes on each set. After 15 minutes, the researchers told pairs to move on to the next set, finished or not. The whole thing took about 45 minutes.
• Don’t rush. The instructions said it didn’t matter if you finished every slip, as long as you took your time with each one.
• Some slips are tasks. A few ask you to do something, like tell your life story in four minutes. Whoever read the slip goes first, then the other person takes a turn.

What about the four minutes of eye contact?

In Catron’s essay, she and the man finished the questions in a bar, then stood on a bridge at midnight and stared into each other’s eyes for four minutes without talking. She describes that step as part of Aron’s study. It isn’t in the 1997 paper. The procedure there ends after Set III, when each person moves as far from their partner as the room allows and fills out a questionnaire.

If you want to try the four minutes anyway, go ahead.

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take 4 minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of 5 items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make 3 true “we” statements each. For instance “We are both in this room feeling…”
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

If you’re already together

The questions were written for strangers, but couples who’ve been together for years can still be surprised by the answers. A few tips:

• Rephrase what doesn’t fit. Number 8 (“appear to have in common”) and number 27 (“if you were going to become a close friend”) assume you’ve just met. Try “Name three things we have in common that we didn’t know at the start” or “What’s something about you I still don’t know?”
• Don’t answer for each other. You might think you know their most treasured memory. Ask anyway.
• Pick a quiet night. Phones away, no TV in the background. Set I works fine over dinner out. Save Sets II and III for somewhere private.
• Go slow on the heavy ones. Questions 18, 24, and 35 can bring up grief or family pain. Listen first, and either of you can pass.
• Try it with another couple. In a study published in 2014, Keith Welker, Arthur Aron, Richard Slatcher, and colleagues had pairs of couples do a version of the same 45-minute task together. Couples who did the personal version reported more passionate love for their own partner afterward than couples who made small talk.

For lighter questions you can ask any night, see our list of 60 questions to ask your partner.

Talk it through with another couple

On Venna, you and your partner meet another couple for a guided, one-hour voice conversation. You pick a topic, like communication or intimacy, and you’re matched with a couple who are going through something similar, or who’ve been through it. Couples appear under a number, never their real names, and the session only happens if all four of you agree. The app asks the questions and gives each person a turn. Couples share what they’ve been through instead of giving advice. Nothing is recorded unless all four of you choose a recorded session with an experienced couple, and no AI listens.

Venna isn’t therapy. If one of these questions brings up something heavy and you’re in crisis or thinking about suicide, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911.

Sources

• Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363–377. The 36 questions are in the appendix.
• Catron, M. L. (2015, January 9). To fall in love with anyone, do this. The New York Times, Modern Love.
• Welker, K. M., Baker, L., Padilla, A., Holmes, H., Aron, A., & Slatcher, R. B. (2014). Effects of self-disclosure and responsiveness between couples on passionate love within couples. Personal Relationships, 21(4), 692–708. Summary: ScienceDaily, February 10, 2014.
• Greater Good Science Center, 36 Questions for Increasing Closeness, Greater Good in Action.
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 988lifeline.org (checked October 18, 2026).