How to save my marriage: what to do when you’re the one trying

If you typed “how to save my marriage” into a search bar, you’re probably scared, and you may be the only one of you two who’s trying right now. Maybe your spouse just told you they want a divorce, or nobody has said it yet but you can feel it. You can’t control what your spouse decides, but there’s a lot you can still do.

Full disclosure: we make Venna, an app where couples talk with other couples. Venna isn’t therapy and doesn’t replace it. This guide is about what you can do, what tends to make things worse, and when to bring in a professional.

When a marriage feels like it’s ending, the urge is to fix everything this week. Slow down first.

• Don’t make big moves for a few days. No ultimatums, no packing a bag in a panic, no calling your mother-in-law at midnight. When you’re scared, everything feels like it has to happen tonight. If you don’t feel safe at home, that’s different: skip to the safety section below and get help now.
• Get some sleep and eat something. It sounds too basic to matter. You can’t think clearly when you’re running on adrenaline.
• Tell one person you trust. A friend, a sibling, a counselor of your own. Pick someone who won’t take sides loudly or spread it around.
• Write down what you’ve heard. If your spouse said something specific (“I don’t feel anything anymore,” “I’ve been unhappy for years”), write it down word for word. You’ll need it later, when you’re calm enough to understand it.
• Ask what they need right now. Some people who are thinking about leaving want space. Some want to be heard. Ask instead of guessing.

You can’t save a marriage alone, but your half of it is the part you’re in charge of, and it carries more weight than it seems to right now.

Look at how you fight. John Gottman’s research describes four habits that make conflict corrosive: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The Gottman Institute pairs each one with an antidote. Try them yourself, without waiting for your spouse to go first:

• Criticism → gentle start-up. Complain about the problem without blaming the person.
• Contempt → appreciation and respect. Notice what your spouse does right and say so.
• Defensiveness → taking responsibility, even if it’s only for part of the problem.
• Stonewalling → self-soothing. Take a real break to calm down. The Gottman Institute says it should last at least 20 minutes, because that’s how long your body needs to settle.

Our article on the Four Horsemen has examples of each.

Own your part out loud. If your spouse has complained about something for years, and they were partly right, say so. Be specific: “You told me I check out every night after dinner. You were right. I’m working on it.” Then let them watch you do it. If the same behavior keeps happening, the apology stops counting.

Take care of yourself, not just the marriage. Your health, your friends, your work, the things you used to like doing. It keeps you steady, whatever your spouse decides.

When you’re afraid of losing someone, it’s natural to push harder. That’s often what pushes them further away.

• Pleading for reassurance every night. It makes every conversation about your fear. Your spouse may start avoiding you to avoid the conversation.
• Pressure and deadlines. “Decide by Sunday.” “Promise me you’ll stay.” A promise you squeeze out of someone doesn’t hold.
• Sudden grand gestures. A surprise trip or an expensive gift can feel like pressure in disguise, especially if nothing else has changed.
• Recruiting allies. Getting family, friends, or your pastor to talk your spouse into staying usually makes them dig in.
• Checking their phone and tracking them. Even if you find something, you’ve added a new problem.

Pleading and pressure can feed a pattern researchers call demand-withdraw. One partner tries to talk about the problem, and the other avoids it or ends the discussion. A 2009 study in Personal Relationships calls it one of “the most destructive and least effective interaction patterns,” and it shows up more in unhappy couples. The more one of you pursues, the more the other withdraws, and around and around it goes. You can stop your half of it.

Pick a calm moment, not right after a fight or late at night. Then:

• Ask more than you tell. “What’s been hardest for you?” “When did you start feeling this way?” And listen to the answer, even if it hurts.
• Repeat back what you heard before you respond: “So you’ve felt alone in this marriage for a long time.” Your spouse may be waiting to find out whether you can hear it without arguing.
• Don’t argue with how they feel. You can disagree about what happened. You can’t talk them out of how it felt.
• Keep it short. Twenty good minutes beats three hours of going in circles. You can come back to it.
• Ask for one small next step. One counseling session, a walk on Saturday, a weekly check-in. Not a promise to stay.

Regular marriage counseling works best when both people want to work on the marriage. If your spouse isn’t sure they want to stay, there’s an option built for that: discernment counseling, developed by William Doherty.

According to the Doherty Relationship Institute, it’s for couples where one spouse is unsure about staying married and is considering divorce. The other is the “leaning-in spouse,” who wants to try. It starts with a single two-hour session. After that, each of you decides whether to keep going, for up to five sessions in total. At the end, you choose one of three paths: keep things as they are, separate or divorce, or commit to six months of couples therapy with divorce off the table. The institute says plainly, “This is not couples therapy.” The point is to decide whether to work on the marriage before you spend months in therapy.

Because it only asks for one session, it can be an easier yes for a spouse who’s halfway out the door. The University of Minnesota’s program lists situations where it isn’t a good fit, including a risk of domestic violence, a protective order from a court, one spouse pressuring the other to take part, or a spouse who has already decided and wants counseling to get the other to accept it. Our guide to marriage counseling covers this and what to do if your spouse won’t go at all.

If you both want to try and there’s no abuse, couples therapy is the usual next step. It doesn’t work for every couple, and it takes time. In a large trial led by Andrew Christensen, 134 married couples who were seriously and consistently unhappy got up to 26 sessions of therapy. Five years later, about half the couples had significantly improved from where they started, about a quarter were unchanged, and about a quarter had separated or divorced.

Our guide to couples therapy explains how to find a therapist and what it costs.

If your spouse won’t go, go on your own. Individual therapy can help you figure out what you want, and how to stay steady whatever happens.

If there’s abuse, your safety matters more than saving the marriage. That applies if your spouse hits you, threatens you, controls your money or who you see, or you’re afraid of how they’ll react. The National Domestic Violence Hotline puts it this way: “Abuse is not a relationship problem.” The Hotline doesn’t recommend couples counseling with an abusive partner, because what you say in a session can be used against you at home.

You can call the Hotline at 1⁠-⁠800⁠-⁠799⁠-⁠7233 or text START to 88788. It’s free and confidential.

1. What do I actually want: this marriage, or the marriage we had five years ago?
2. What has my spouse been asking me to change, and have I really heard it?
3. Am I trying to win them back, or trying to understand them?
4. What would I do differently if I knew they were staying? Can I start doing it now?
5. If they leave anyway, who do I want to be on the other side of this?
6. Do I feel safe at home?

Venna isn’t therapy and doesn’t provide therapists. It’s for couples who both want to talk. On Venna, you and your spouse have a guided, one-hour voice call with another couple who’s going through something similar or has been through it. You pick a topic, like trust or communication. The app asks the questions and makes sure each of you gets a turn. Couples share what they’ve been through instead of giving advice. Nothing is recorded unless all four of you choose a recorded session with an experienced couple, and no AI listens. Nobody uses real names, and the session only happens if all four of you agree.

Venna isn’t built for situations involving abuse, and it isn’t a crisis line. If you’re thinking about suicide or you’re in crisis, call or text 988 anytime. In an emergency, call 911.

• The Gottman Institute, The Four Horsemen: The antidotes (checked October 18, 2026).
• Papp, L. M., Kouros, C. D., & Cummings, E. M. (2009). Demand-withdraw patterns in marital conflict in the home. Personal Relationships, 16(2), 285–300.
• Doherty Relationship Institute, Discernment Counseling (checked October 18, 2026).
• University of Minnesota, Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project, Discernment counseling for couples (checked October 18, 2026).
• Christensen, A., Atkins, D. C., Baucom, B., & Yi, J. (2010). Marital status and satisfaction five years following a randomized clinical trial comparing traditional versus integrative behavioral couple therapy. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 78(2), 225–235. Summary: ScienceDaily, Therapy can help even very distressed married couples, largest study finds, April 20, 2010.
• National Domestic Violence Hotline, Should I go to couples therapy with my abusive partner? (checked October 18, 2026).
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 988lifeline.org.