Long-distance relationship tips: how to stay close and close the gap

A long-distance relationship can work, and research suggests couples who live apart rate their relationships as highly as couples in the same city, or higher. The hard parts are missing each other, time zones, money for visits, and not knowing when the distance will end. Here’s what studies have found, plus how often to talk, how to plan visits, and how to set an end date.

A lot of what holds a couple together happens without planning. You eat dinner together, run errands, sit on the couch and say nothing. At a distance, most of that goes away, and a lot of what’s left is scheduled: a call at 9 p.m., a visit in six weeks.

Small problems get put off, because a bad mood is hard to fix over a glitchy video call. You hear about your partner’s week but don’t see it. When you only get a weekend together, you want it to be perfect. Flights, gas, and vacation days add up, and you both have to agree on how to cover them. And without an end date, the whole thing can feel like it might go on forever.

In a study published in 2013 in Family Process, Gretchen Kelmer and colleagues at the University of Denver compared 870 people in long-distance and same-city relationships, drawn from a nationally representative sample. People in long-distance relationships reported equal or higher relationship quality and more dedication to their partner. They weren’t more likely to have broken up by the follow-up.

Communication researchers L. Crystal Jiang and Jeffrey Hancock had dating couples keep diaries of their daily interactions. Their 2013 paper in the Journal of Communication found that partners living apart had fewer interactions a day than couples living near each other, but felt closer. They shared more about themselves and saw their partners in a more idealized way.

That idealized view has a downside. In a 2007 paper in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Laura Stafford and Andy Merolla, then at Ohio State University, found that long-distance dating couples were more stable than same-city couples as long as they stayed apart. Once they moved to the same place, many broke up. Longer gaps between visits and a very idealized view of the partner predicted trouble after the move.

So try to see each other in person regularly, and let your partner see you on an ordinary, messy day.

There’s no right number of calls. You both need to agree on it, and neither of you should feel like you’re on duty.

• Pick a regular call you both protect, like a 20-minute call most nights or one long video call on Sunday. Put it on your calendar like any other plan.
• Leave room for small stuff. Photos of your lunch, a voice memo on your walk home. These fill in the boring parts you miss.
• Agree on what silence means. “I’m at a work dinner, talk tomorrow” saves a lot of worry. Decide together how long it’s okay to go without a reply.
• Don’t turn texts into check-ins. If you catch yourself asking “where are you?” every few hours, talk about the worry itself instead of asking for another update.
• Have hard talks on video or the phone. Text loses tone. Anything about money, jealousy, or where this is going belongs on a call.

If you’re in different time zones, find a time that works for both of you and stick to it, even if it’s short. When your schedules change, pick a new one.

Since long gaps between visits predicted trouble later, try to see each other on a regular schedule, even if it’s a short trip.

Before you book, sit down and figure out the money together:

• Set a monthly travel budget. Decide how much each of you can put aside, and whether you split costs evenly or by income.
• Take turns traveling. If one of you always makes the trip, it can start to feel unfair. When that’s not possible (one of you has kids, or a job with no flexibility), say how you’ll even it out.
• Look at your options. If it’s close enough, drive or take the train or bus. Set fare alerts for flights, and travel midweek if your jobs allow it.
• Count the hidden costs. Days off work, pet sitting, rideshares from the airport, and eating out more than usual.

Plan some visits that are just regular life: grocery shopping, laundry, a night in. A boring Tuesday can tell you more about living together than a weekend trip.

Distance can give jealousy more room to grow. When you can’t see who your partner is with, it’s easy for your mind to fill in the blanks.

What helps is being clear early on:

• Talk about what counts as cheating for each of you, including texting and dating apps. It’s easy to assume you agree when you don’t.
• Share your plans without being asked. “I’m going out with the team Friday” is easier to hear in advance than afterward.
• Tell your partner when you’re feeling jealous, before it comes out as a test or an accusation.

If jealousy is constant, or one of you is tracking the other’s phone or location without agreement, that’s worth taking seriously. The National Domestic Violence Hotline lists going through a partner’s phone and using GPS or spyware to monitor them as forms of abuse, and that holds at a distance too.

You can still have dates. A few that work over video:

• Cook the same recipe at the same time and eat together.
• Start a show together and only watch it when you’re on a call.
• Play an online game or do a crossword together.
• Mail each other a small box: a snack from your city, a note, something to open on the call.
• Read the same book and talk about a chapter a week.

It helps to know roughly when the distance will end and who’s moving, even if the date shifts later.

Talk through:

• Who moves, and why. Jobs, family, cost of living, and who’d be giving up more.
• When. A month and year, even if it might change.
• What has to happen first. A job offer, a lease ending, a degree finished.
• How you’ll check in on the plan. Every few months, ask if it still works for both of you.

When you do move, expect an adjustment period. Remember that the couples who had idealized each other most while apart were more likely to struggle once they lived in the same place. Give yourselves time to get used to each other’s habits.

Use these on your next long call. For more, see our questions to ask your partner.

1. What’s the hardest part of being apart for you right now?
2. When do you miss me most during the week?
3. Is our call schedule working for you, or does it feel like a chore?
4. What do you want to know about my day that I never tell you?
5. What would make you feel more secure while we’re apart?
6. What counts as cheating to you, online and off?
7. How should we split the cost of visits?
8. When do you picture us living in the same place?
9. If one of us moves, what would that person be giving up?
10. What are you worried will change when we’re finally together?

On Venna, you and your partner join a guided, one-hour voice call with another couple who’s going through something similar, or has been through it. You pick a topic in the app, like trust or communication. The app asks the questions and makes sure each of you gets a turn. Nobody uses real names, and the session only happens if all four of you agree. Couples share what they’ve been through instead of giving advice. Nothing is recorded unless all four of you choose a recorded session with an experienced couple, and no AI listens. Each of you joins from your own phone, so you can be in two different cities.

Venna isn’t therapy. If the distance is bringing up anxiety or depression for one of you, or you keep having the same fight, a licensed therapist can help, and many work over video. In the U.S., if you’re dealing with abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1⁠-⁠800⁠-⁠799⁠-⁠7233 or text START to 88788. If you’re in crisis or thinking about suicide, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911.

• Kelmer, G., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S., & Markman, H. J. (2013). Relationship quality, commitment, and stability in long-distance relationships. Family Process, 52(2), 257–270.
• Jiang, L. C., & Hancock, J. T. (2013). Absence makes the communication grow fonder: Geographic separation, interpersonal media, and intimacy in dating relationships. Journal of Communication, 63(3), 556–577.
• Stafford, L., & Merolla, A. J. (2007). Idealization, reunions, and stability in long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 24(1), 37–54.
• National Domestic Violence Hotline, Types of abuse and thehotline.org (checked October 18, 2026).
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 988lifeline.org (checked October 18, 2026).