Sexless marriage: is it a problem, why it happens, and how to start talking

It depends on the two of you. Some couples have little or no sex and are happy with that. Maybe desire faded for both of them at about the same time, or illness made sex hard and they found other ways to be close. If neither of you is unhappy, nobody needs to fix anything.

It becomes a problem when one of you is hurting. Usually that means one partner misses sex and feels rejected, while the other feels pressure every time they’re touched. Both can feel lonely in the same bed. It can also be a problem when neither of you minds the sex itself but you’ve stopped touching, talking, or spending time alone together.

If it’s been a year or more, you’re in a small group. In US survey data from 2000 to 2018, under 2% of married people aged 18 to 44 said they’d had no sex in the past year.

Having a lot less sex is much more common. In the same data, weekly sex among married people fell from about 71% to 58% for men between the early 2000s and the late 2010s, and from 69% to 61% for women.

You may also come across an older study from 1993, based on interviews with more than 6,000 married people in 1987 and 1988. It found that 16% hadn’t had sex in the past month, and that those couples were more likely to be unhappy and to separate. The numbers are almost 40 years old, so treat them as history.

Often it’s a mix of things, and each one makes the others worse.

Life and the relationship. Young kids, long hours, no privacy, and plain exhaustion push sex down the list. In the 1993 study, poor health, older age, and having preschoolers at home were among the factors linked to a sexless marriage. Resentment matters too: it’s hard to want someone you’re quietly angry with about chores or money.

Desire that’s out of sync. A 2018 study of 255 couples with a new baby found that the bigger the gap in desire, the less satisfied both partners were with their sex life. It also found that it isn’t always the man who wants sex more.

The ask-and-refuse loop. One partner reaches out and gets turned down. They stop asking to avoid the hurt. The other partner feels relieved, then guilty. Soon nobody touches at all, and nobody talks about why.

Physical causes. Sometimes the cause is physical, and a doctor can check. The Cleveland Clinic’s page on low sex drive lists dropping estrogen around menopause, testosterone that falls with age, depression, and some medications, including antidepressants and blood pressure drugs. It also names pain during sex and vaginal dryness. The clinic suggests seeing a doctor if a sexual problem has lasted three months or more, or if it’s hurting you or your relationship. Don’t stop or change a medication on your own. Talk to whoever prescribed it.

• Start the talk outside the bedroom. Pick a calm time, like a walk or a drive, not right after a no.
• Talk about how you feel, not what they did. “I miss feeling close to you” lands better than “You never want me.”
• Say what’s in the way. Exhaustion, pain, no privacy, feeling unattractive, feeling like it’s a chore.
• Take the pressure off touch. Agree that hugs, kisses, and back rubs are just that. For a while, nobody has to “take it further.”
• Put time together on the calendar. It doesn’t have to be about sex, just time alone with the phones away.
• See a doctor. Each of you can bring it up at your own appointment.
• Consider a sex therapist. The referral directory of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) lists certified sex therapists and counselors, and you can search it by state. A couples therapist or marriage counselor can help too, especially if sex is one part of a bigger distance.

If you’re the one being turned down

Tell them it hurts, calmly, without keeping a tally of how long it’s been. Then ask what would make touch feel safe again, and listen to the answer, even if it’s not about you.

If you’re the one who doesn’t want sex

You’re not broken, and you don’t owe anyone sex. But saying nothing can feel like rejection to your partner. Try to name what’s going on for you: tired, touched out, in pain, angry about something else, or just not feeling it. If touch feels like a request, say so, and suggest kinds of closeness that feel OK right now. If your low desire bothers you, bring it up with a doctor.

If your spouse won’t talk about it

Sometimes one partner changes the subject or says it’s fine. Tell them calmly that this matters to you and that you’re not blaming them. Ask what would make it easier to talk: a different time, a letter, or a therapist in the room. You can also see a therapist on your own to sort out what you want, including whether you can live with things as they are. If you keep feeling resentful, or tempted to look elsewhere, that’s a good time to get help.

Illustrative story: names and details are invented, based on common situations.

Megan and Chris, married 12 years with two kids, hadn’t had sex since their youngest was born. The morning after an argument at his brother’s wedding, they sat down at the kitchen table.

Chris: I miss us.

Megan: I miss us too. But when you touch me, it feels like you’re asking for something, and I freeze up.

Chris: I had no idea. Honestly? I quit asking because I was tired of getting turned down. And I kind of checked out.

Megan: I noticed. Part of me was relieved, and that made me feel awful.

Chris: So what do we do?

Megan: Maybe a hug is just a hug for a while. And I’ll bring it up with my doctor.

Chris: Me too. I haven’t had a checkup in years.

They started keeping Thursday nights for the two of them, phones in a drawer. Some nights they just talked. It took months, and a sex therapist, before things felt easier.

This isn’t legal advice. If one of you is leaning toward divorce and the other wants to try, look into discernment counseling. According to the Doherty Relationship Institute, it’s for couples where one spouse isn’t sure about staying married and doubts couples therapy can help. It starts with one two-hour session, and each of you decides whether to keep going, for up to five sessions. The aim is to get clear on a direction. If you both decide to try, a couples therapist is the usual next step. We cover this more in how to save your marriage. Whatever you decide, get support of your own too: an individual therapist, or a friend who won’t take sides.

1. When did you last feel really close to me?
2. What makes it hard for you to bring up sex, or to say no?
3. Is there a kind of touch you miss that has nothing to do with sex?
4. Is there anything going on with your body or your health that I don’t know about?
5. What would a good week look like for us, even without sex?
6. What’s one small thing we could try this month?

On Venna, you and your partner have a guided, one-hour voice call with another couple. You choose a topic, like intimacy, and you’re matched with a couple who are going through something similar or have been through it. Couples appear under a number, never under their real names, and the session only happens if all four of you agree. The app asks the questions and makes sure each of you gets a turn. Couples share what they’ve been through instead of giving advice. Nothing is recorded unless all four of you choose a recorded session with an experienced couple, and no AI listens.

Venna isn’t therapy, and it doesn’t replace a doctor or a sex therapist. If your partner pressures or forces you into sex, or you’re afraid of them, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1⁠-⁠800⁠-⁠799⁠-⁠7233 or text START to 88788. For sexual assault or coercion, you can also call RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800⁠-⁠656⁠-⁠4673 or chat at rainn.org. If you’re in crisis or thinking about suicide, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911.

• Ueda, P., Mercer, C. H., Ghaznavi, C., & Herbenick, D. (2020). Trends in frequency of sexual activity and number of sexual partners among adults aged 18 to 44 years in the US, 2000–2018. JAMA Network Open, 3(6), e203833.
• Donnelly, D. A. (1993). Sexually inactive marriages. The Journal of Sex Research, 30(2), 171–179.
• Rosen, N. O., Bailey, K., & Muise, A. (2018). Degree and direction of sexual desire discrepancy are linked to sexual and relationship satisfaction in couples transitioning to parenthood. The Journal of Sex Research, 55(2), 214–225.
• Cleveland Clinic, Low libido (low sex drive) (checked October 18, 2026).
• Cleveland Clinic, Low testosterone (male hypogonadism) (checked October 18, 2026).
• Cleveland Clinic, Sexual dysfunction (checked October 18, 2026).
• Doherty Relationship Institute, Discernment Counseling (checked October 18, 2026).
• AASECT, Referral directory (checked October 18, 2026).
• ICPSR, National Survey of Families and Households, Wave 1: 1987–1988 (checked October 18, 2026).
• National Domestic Violence Hotline, thehotline.org (checked October 18, 2026).
• RAINN, National Sexual Assault Hotline (checked October 19, 2026).
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 988lifeline.org (checked October 18, 2026).