- Where
- Columbus
- Moved from
- Chicago
- Since the move
- Two years
- Turning point
- Thanksgiving drive
Illustrative story: names and details are invented, based on common situations.
You can share a bed, a lease, and a calendar with someone and still feel like nobody really knows how your day went. Chris and Maya each tell their side: how it happened to them, the conversation that changed things, and what helped. Then we look at the research, the signs that it might be depression, and some questions for the two of you.
Chris and Maya, in their own words
We moved from Chicago to Columbus two years ago for Maya’s job. I work remotely, so for me the move meant a new apartment and the same laptop. I didn’t know anyone. Maya had coworkers, a new team, happy hours. I had the guy at the coffee place who knew my order.
I was drowning at work, honestly. New role, new boss, a lot to prove. I’d get home at seven, we’d eat, and I’d crash on the couch with my phone. I thought we were fine. We never fought.
That was the weird part. Nothing was wrong, exactly. We talked every day, but it was all logistics: who’s picking up the dry cleaning, did you pay the electric bill. I’d save up things to tell her during the day, and by the time she got home it felt like too much to unload on someone that tired. So I didn’t.
He got short with me. Little things. If I was late, he’d sigh. If I talked about work, he’d go quiet. I figured he was bored, or resented the move, and I didn’t want to open that up. So I talked about work less, which I guess made it worse.
I started going to bed after her so I wouldn’t have to lie there not talking. One night she laughed at something on her phone, and I realized I didn’t know what made her laugh anymore. I felt more alone sitting next to her than I did all day by myself.
The conversation happened on the drive home from my parents’ place in Toledo after Thanksgiving. Two hours in the car, no phones, nowhere to go. He said, “I don’t think I’ve had a real conversation with anyone in a month. Including you.”
I didn’t plan it. It just came out. And I braced for her to get defensive.
I did, for about a minute. I said something like, “I’m working so we can live here.” Then I looked at him and he looked so tired. I asked, “Since when?” and he said, “Since we moved.” That was hard to hear. I’d been so busy I hadn’t noticed he had nobody here.
She told me she’d been lonely too. At work she was “the new person” all day, and at home I was annoyed with her. She thought I didn’t want to hear about her job.
We didn’t fix anything on that drive. But it was the first time in months we talked about us and not the apartment.
What helped was small and kind of boring. A walk after dinner, around the block, phones left on the kitchen counter. Most nights it’s 15 minutes. I also joined a Tuesday rec basketball league, because Maya can’t be my only person. That took some pressure off both of us.
And I ask now. Not “How was work?” but “What was the best and worst part of your day?” Some weeks we slip back into logistics. Now one of us speaks up within a week or two. The first time, we let it go for more than a year.
What the research says
Being married doesn’t protect you from loneliness on its own. In a Chicago study of 225 adults aged 50 to 68, good marriages offered the most protection against loneliness. Lacking a spouse you could confide in was a separate risk factor for loneliness (Hawkley and colleagues, 2008). What seems to matter is whether your partner is someone you can actually talk to.
Loneliness tends to be shared. A study of 1,114 older married couples in Ireland found that how each spouse saw the marriage was linked to their own loneliness and to their partner’s. One spouse’s loneliness was also tied to the other’s (Stokes, 2017). If you feel lonely, it’s worth asking whether your partner does too.
Feeling understood seems to matter years later. Researchers call it perceived partner responsiveness: how much you feel your partner understands you, values you, and cares about you. In a U.S. study of 1,078 married or cohabiting adults followed for 10 years, people who felt more understood by their partner at the start had healthier daily patterns of cortisol, a stress hormone, a decade later (Slatcher, Selcuk, and Ong, 2015).
Phones are linked to lower satisfaction. In a survey of 145 U.S. adults in relationships, 46.3% said their partner had “phubbed” them: used or got distracted by a phone while they were together. Phubbing was linked to more conflict over phones and lower satisfaction with the relationship (Roberts and David, 2016). It’s a survey, so it can’t show the phone is the cause. Still, you can try a week of phones away at dinner and see what changes.
When it might be more than loneliness
Feeling lonely in a relationship isn’t a diagnosis, and this list isn’t one either. But loneliness and depression can feed each other, and depression doesn’t always look like sadness. The National Institute of Mental Health says that to be diagnosed with depression, a person has symptoms most of the day, nearly every day, for at least two weeks. One of them has to be a low mood or a loss of interest in most activities. Common signs include:
- a sad, anxious, or “empty” mood that won’t lift
- feeling irritable, frustrated, or restless
- losing interest in things you used to enjoy
- feeling hopeless, guilty, or worthless
- trouble concentrating or making decisions
- trouble sleeping, waking too early, or sleeping too much
- changes in appetite or weight
- feeling tired or slowed down
- thoughts of death or suicide
If that sounds like you or your partner, see a doctor or a mental health professional. Depression is treatable, usually with therapy, medication, or both. If you’re thinking about suicide, call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. It’s free, confidential, and open 24/7.
What can help when you’re feeling lonely in a relationship
Say it without blaming. “I miss you” or “I’ve been feeling far from you” opens a conversation. “You never pay attention to me” tends to put your partner on the defensive.
Pick a calm time with no screens. A walk, a slow breakfast, a long drive. Not right before bed, and not in the middle of an argument. Either of you can stop and pick it up later.
Ask how your partner is doing, too. They may be feeling it as well. Ask, then listen to the answer without fixing it.
Talk about something besides logistics. A few minutes a day about anything that isn’t bills, chores, or schedules.
Don’t make your partner your only person. Friends, family, a team, a class. Having more people in your life often takes pressure off the relationship.
If you’ve tried and nothing’s changing, a couples therapist can help you look at what’s keeping you apart.
Questions to ask each other
For more, see our questions to ask your partner. If the distance has reached your sex life too, our piece on sexless marriage may help.
- When was the last time you felt I really listened to you?
- What part of your week feels the loneliest?
- What’s something you’ve been keeping to yourself so you don’t worry me?
- What do you wish I asked you more often?
- What did we use to do that you miss?
- What’s one small thing we could try this week?
Talk it through with another couple
On Venna, you and your partner have a one-hour voice call with another couple who’s going through something similar, or has been through it. You pick a topic, like communication or intimacy, and the app asks the questions and makes sure each of you gets a turn. Nobody uses real names, and the call only happens if all four of you agree to it. Couples share what they’ve been through instead of giving advice. Nothing is recorded unless all four of you choose a recorded session with an experienced couple, and no AI listens.
Venna isn’t therapy. If you’ve felt low for weeks, talk to a doctor or a mental health professional. If you’re thinking about suicide, call or text 988. If your partner hurts, threatens, or controls you, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. In an emergency, call 911.
Sources
- Hawkley, L. C., Hughes, M. E., Waite, L. J., Masi, C. M., Thisted, R. A., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2008). From social structural factors to perceptions of relationship quality and loneliness: The Chicago Health, Aging, and Social Relations Study. The Journals of Gerontology: Series B, 63(6), S375–S384.
- Stokes, J. E. (2017). Marital quality and loneliness in later life: A dyadic analysis of older married couples in Ireland. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 34(1), 114–135.
- Slatcher, R. B., Selcuk, E., & Ong, A. D. (2015). Perceived partner responsiveness predicts diurnal cortisol profiles 10 years later. Psychological Science, 26(7), 972–982.
- Roberts, J. A., & David, M. E. (2016). My life has become a major distraction from my cell phone: Partner phubbing and relationship satisfaction among romantic partners. Computers in Human Behavior, 54, 134–141. Summary: Baylor University.
- National Institute of Mental Health, Depression (checked October 18, 2026).
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 988lifeline.org (checked October 18, 2026).
- National Domestic Violence Hotline, thehotline.org (checked October 18, 2026).
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal to feel lonely in a relationship?
Yes, it happens even to couples who don’t fight. Daily talk can shrink to logistics like bills and schedules until neither of you feels known. In a Chicago study of 225 adults aged 50 to 68, lacking a spouse you could confide in was a separate risk factor for loneliness. If you feel lonely, it’s worth asking whether your partner does too.
Can phones make you feel lonely in a relationship?
They may play a part. In a survey of 145 U.S. adults in relationships, 46.3% said their partner had “phubbed” them, meaning used or got distracted by a phone while they were together. Phubbing was linked to more conflict over phones and lower relationship satisfaction. A survey can’t show the phone is the cause, but you can try a week of phones away at dinner and see what changes.
How do I tell my partner I feel lonely?
Say it without blaming. “I miss you” or “I’ve been feeling far from you” opens a conversation, while “You never pay attention to me” tends to put your partner on the defensive. Pick a calm time with no screens, like a walk or a long drive, and not right before bed or mid-argument. Then ask how they’re doing and listen without trying to fix it.
Could feeling lonely in my relationship be depression?
Loneliness and depression can feed each other, and depression doesn’t always look like sadness. The National Institute of Mental Health says a diagnosis requires symptoms most of the day, nearly every day, for at least two weeks, including a low mood or a loss of interest in most activities. Other signs include irritability, hopelessness, trouble sleeping, and feeling tired or slowed down. If that sounds like you or your partner, see a doctor or a mental health professional; depression is treatable.
What helps when you feel alone in your relationship?
Small, regular habits help, like a few minutes a day talking about anything that isn’t bills, chores, or schedules. Asking better questions helps too, such as “What was the best and worst part of your day?” Don’t make your partner your only person: friends, family, a team, or a class can take pressure off the relationship. If you’ve tried and nothing changes, a couples therapist can help you look at what’s keeping you apart.
Who can I call if I’m feeling lonely and thinking about suicide?
Call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. It’s free, confidential, and open 24/7. In an emergency, call 911.
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